When we consider who to ask for wedding advice, we think of planners, designers, parents, and maybe that one friend of your mother’s—you know, the one who is always polishing up her silver and hosting some ‘little party.’ We call our friends up for wine and hope they’ll divulge stories from their own planning days. And we maybe only rarely think to ask grooms for advice—our own groom or any other. After all, guys don’t really have strong opinions about the wedding planning process, right? Au contraire. Take it from these real grooms, who have lived through those planning days and are the wiser for it. After reading their advice, we guarantee it: you’ll want to call up your guy to tell him you love him (and maybe even get his thoughts on cake flavors. ‘Tasting date soon?’ xoxo).
Photography: Dear Lovers
1. Offer emotional support
When asked if they had any advice to share with other grooms, our interviewees agreed: the most precious gift a groom can give is his presence. A bride may not necessarily need her groom’s opinion or creative input—but she will always long for his support, and find rest in the reassurance that he is standing there beside her. “Do whatever you can to ensure that she has a peaceful space [in you],” urges real groom Talyn. “I found that listening and offering myself as a sounding board was pivotal.” Mark echoes this idea of providing a safe place to work out problems; the planning process, he notes, provides “a perfect time to prove how supportive you can be for years to come.” The planning process is placed on the pathway to marriage and, viewed rightly, is a rich training ground for married life. All of the traits we value most in marriage—deep trust, abiding love, and unwavering faithfulness—have ample room for expression in the planning process.
Photography: Almond Leaf Studios
2. Help her stay organized
If emotional support is key, that doesn’t mean that grooms should just sit idly by and offer platitudes about how it’s all going to be ok. Real, practical help is the way to a bride’s heart, and help with even the simplest organizational tasks can be a saving grace. “When your fiancée thinks of a question she needs to ask a certain vendor,” notes Mark, “write it down. Chances are,” he continues, “she’s juggling 72 different questions and could use some help keeping them organized.” Take notes, dear grooms, and think of little ways to keep things tidy; upload timelines to your Dropbox account, put meetings in your calendar, and save vendors as contacts. Even these small tasks demonstrate your love and care.
Photography: Amelia Soegijono
3. Tackle the guest list
When it comes time to formulate a guest list, it shouldn’t be up to the bride to make all the cruel cuts. Talyn’s candor is refreshing; looking back on the process, he says, “don’t do what I did and just say, ‘Yeah babe, I’m just going to invite my friends and family…’” Instead, he encourages grooms to take full responsibility for at least 50% of that list, and handle it without complaint. After all, the absolute last thing a bride needs to try and determine is “which one of your old football teammates” makes the cut.
Photography: Sposto Photography
4. Express interest—even if you don’t have strong opinions
Even the savviest, most self-possessed bride has (she will freely admit) dreamed a little about her wedding. “While this day is exciting for us grooms,” notes Mark, brides “have been dreaming of it for years and years.” (Easy, boys—it’s not like we spend our free nights polishing our tiaras and Pinterest-ing. Not every free night, anyway.). Talyn admits that grooms “don’t really care about centerpieces” like brides do– or seasonal flowers or the height of the tapers and nuances of color palette. But do you know what grooms do care about? Their brides. It isn’t about perfecting the table design, says Talyn; it’s about what a privilege it is to be a part of her life and innermost dreams, and “if she asks for your opinion and involves you in the discussion, take advantage of that opportunity.”
Photography: Heather Payne
5. Serve one another
One of the sweetest ways our real grooms approached wedding planning was as an opportunity to serve their brides. The planning process, reflects Talyn, “is a time to become as selfless as you possibly can be.” In its most ideal form, the planning process is an incredible exercise in service; as grooms place their brides’ hopes and dreams before their own, they make tangible those promises to support her. Talyn puts it nicely: “This service will also speak to her heart and let her know just how much she means to you.”
Photography: Kati Rosado Photography
6. Hire a dream team
When you hire a dream team of vendors and planners, you essentially give your bride the equivalent of consecutive spa weekends. For the sake of your wedding planning, your health, and happiness, surround yourself with an experienced team of vendors, and trust them implicitly. This will free you up as a couple to focus on your marriage and leave your wedding in your vendors’ capable hands. When it comes to selecting vendors, says Mark, “The more organized, the better” and if you choose professionals who “keep an open line of communication, you can rest much easier.” Talyn likewise emphasizes the importance of hiring an experienced vendor team:
Photography: Jen Huang
7. Handle the Rehearsal Dinner
At this stage in your relationship, you may share finances, and you may not; your family may be contributing to the wedding expenses, and then again maybe not. Regardless, a groom’s offer to handle the rehearsal dinner will forever be gentlemanly—a timeless, classy gesture. Mark puts it simply: “The rehearsal dinner should be taken care of by the groom. She’s already got more than enough to deal with.” So, with a little help from her best friend or mom, plan an alfresco dinner or book a chic restaurant, and treat her to a gorgeous last night of being engaged.
Photography: Valorie Darling
8. Reconcile yourself to the fact that it will be stressful
When pressure mounts and things go wrong, it’s easiest to just admit it: wedding planning is stressful. Saying it out loud can feel like surrender—suddenly the weight is lifted. Once you reconcile yourself to that fact that planning is difficult, you free yourself up to find solutions– and maybe even encounter grace. “Stresses will inevitably come,” admits Talyn, “There really isn’t any way around it at times.” But viewing the planning process as an opportunity to serve Jordan, his wife, brought him back time and again, he says. Looking at wedding planning through the lens of his faith and his love for Jordan, Talyn found that “even the most mundane and tedious tasks” could be made in the service of something higher.
When your plans get snagged on a difficulty, look for a growth opportunity. And take a moment to reaffirm all that you know to be true– your love is so capable of surviving this, and that love is expanding and deepening and enriching with every trial you overcome.
Photography: Esmerelda Franco
9. Find your problem-solving style
If anything, wedding planning comes with a kind of built-in couples’ therapy. The planning process illumines personality traits— conflicts as well as strengths—and gives a couple the opportunity to find a shared voice and problem-solving style. Mark found that, while he and his fiancée Nikki have very different styles, they should get jerseys, cause they make a great team (s/o to the readers who are old enough to mentally sing that last part):
“I feel like all of the stresses happened internally. No matter what situation created the stress, everything is dealt with between the couple and/or family. I’m the type to laugh these situations off, much unlike my fiancée. You’ve got to find a balance and deal with everything together. We are in the process of building the foundation for our life and future family. From here on out, we have to work as one.”
Photography: Jeremy Chou Photography
10. Make it about her
Our grooms stressed again and again that the wedding was about their brides. According to Talyn, “this is her day… As the groom, your level of involvement is dependent upon the dreams of your bride.” Throughout the course of your marriage, you’ll take turns focusing more on one another’s plans and dreams. The guys say that a wedding is one of those times, and supporting their bride came as no sacrifice.
Photography: Heather Payne
11. Expect things to go wrong—and try to maintain perspective when they do
“The most challenging part of wedding was the day of the actual wedding,” admits Talyn. The best course of action, he continues, is to “root yourself in peace as much as possible. Things will go wrong, and that’s okay.” Such a peaceful, grounded approach will not only benefit the groom but also the bride who has placed her trust in him. Speaking of which…
12. Shield her from problems the day-of
When it comes to the day of the wedding, the guys stressed that grooms should vigilantly guard their brides’ vision and wedding day experience. “Don’t let petty issues even go near your bride,” insists Talyn. “She will be getting ready and will be going through all of the emotions of the day… and she does not need to be disturbed.” If the cake delivery is late or seating issues come up, then calmly notify your coordinator—don’t alarm your fiancée. Allow her space to dream and breathe and be in this moment. If she can be spared from knowing about the problem, dear grooms, please spare her.
Photography: Simply Sarah Photography
13. Savor the little moments
Even the most challenging periods of planning are braided with beautiful moments. The difficulties can seem unrelenting, but suddenly something beautiful breaks through. Maybe the sunlight shimmers through days of rain and uncertainty. Or you walk by your wedding tent, and are overcome by its glowing white beauty. Or you lock eyes across the rehearsal dinner table and remember the reason for everything. Glimmers of hope—however faint—are always there for those who look.
Talyn remembers one such moment the day before his wedding. He and his fiancée had just finished the last bit of wedding prep and decided to steal away for a quick coffee. (A bit of backstory—the couple has a long history with coffee. The local coffee shop played host to their love story and all its stages– meeting, courtship, and proposal.) Over midnight cappuccinos, the realization finally set in. “I just remember soaking in the excitement…we were about to marry one another! The anticipation began to build and it felt like we were kids again.” That simple coffee together, says Talyn, helped the couple hit reset and to restore their excitement in everything. Always look for the littlest moments of joy, and savor them completely.
Photography: Mariel Hannah
14. Fall more deeply in love
Realize that wedding planning, like any great challenge, has the potential to bring a strong couple closer together. In wedding planning, you will find a tangle of conflicts, misfires, family dynamics, and moments of beauty that are not unlike those belonging to married life. These things can overwhelm you, or cause you to turn to one another for solace and understanding. Mark says that he never realized the depth of his love for Nikki was until their love was tested; reflecting back, he says:
“A year ago, when I finally got on one knee, I thought I was head over heels in love and 100% ready to spend the rest of my life with her. Throughout this year, I’ve only fallen more and more in love seeing how determined and strong-willed she is. It really is a hectic time, and she has absolutely rocked it.”
Photography: Ashley Ludaescher
15. Remember: it’s about a marriage, not a wedding
It may sound cliché, but if you focus exclusively on the wedding, you will almost always find reasons to be overwhelmed. Focus on your marriage instead, and wedding day problems tend to fade. None of those plans are as important or sacred as this commitment. Talyn adds to this idea:
“You’re not there to perform for your friends and family. You’re there to commit yourself to your bride… Remind one another that stress will happen and things may go wrong. But at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that the two of you will step into a covenant with each other.”
No matter what the planning process looks like, it’s leading you to a life together—and isn’t that just the best thing.
Photography: Erika Parker
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